A Memoir of My Vasectomy

Due to the many questions from my fellow men and because I wish I knew someone who had blogged about it; I decided to share my experience of getting a Vasectomy.  I will be blunt and possibly a little crass. Now that you know what this blog is going to be about, if you fall into the category of ‘virgin ears’ and or get squeamish easily, I recommend skipping this one!

The Decision:

First off, this is not a decision I took lightly nor should anyone else. The medical profession agrees and will require an “interview” prior to getting snipped (so will most insurances). During this interview your doctor will ask you questions to make sure you never want to have any more kids.

While the process is reversible it is very expensive, painful and doesn’t have a very high success rate. To reverse it, they latterly have to reattach 2 hoses and hope they stay attached and will let your soldiers pass.

Through my research I have found that the youngest age, on average, to get a vasectomy, is between 35 – 40. Being that I am only 29, there was some reserve by my doctor to give the green light. But since my doctor is the coolest and my passion for not wanting any more kids was clear, he gave me the go ahead.

(If you don’t have an awesome Doc, go to mine! Here is his info: Dr. Ross Brunnetti)

If there is even the slightest thought that you might want more kids, THEN DON’T get a Vasectomy! This is the way my doc put it “If you hit the lottery and found a princess to marry, would you want any more kids”. If your answer is still no, then get-r-done.

Prior to surgery:

Google knows all… but also has to many horror stories! Yes I recommend searching Google to hear about other people’s experiences but know that most of the horror stories where from years back (they have learned more since then) or from men who went running, hiking or shark boxing directly after.  Take it easy…

Once you feel informed (Feel free to call, email, comment or text me for questions, support or doc referrals) and have had your “interview”, I recommend doing the following:

• Find someone to drive you
  • While this isn’t necessary, I do feel it is beneficial. This way you can worry about the donkey kick to the groined feeling you have, rather then staying in between the yellow lines. Also, this person can run into the store to grab medication, ice packs, munchies, etc.

• Take 3 days off!
  • There are stories about people going straight back to the office and sitting on a bag of frozen peas but come on, these are your nuts we are talking about here. No need to be a hero.
  • I had mine done at noon on a Friday and the weekend was just enough time to feel a little better and/or get practice moving around with sore balls.
  • If you have a job that requires physical activity then make sure to get work off! Physical exertion can make your tubes open and have bleeding problems (internally and with your stitches)! 

• Make sure your doctor is a Ninja!
  • From all that I have read and the people I have talked too, the difference between bruised swollen balls with a big scar and a little ball pain, no swelling and only 2 stitches, is your surgeon.
  • My surgeon was a Ninja! No bruising, very little swelling and only one incision with 2 stitches instead of the 2 incisions that other surgeons do.
  • Here is my surgeons info: Doctor Shane Christensen

• Get some good movies and soft ice packs
  • You will want to do a lot of sitting with your feet up! I prefer some good anime and/or adult swim cartoonst but to each his own.
  • Make sure to get ice packs that don’t turn solid when frozen. This while make it easier and less painful to get in the right position

• Bring the following to the appointment     
  • Insurance info and co payment (no duh)
  • Slip on shoes (trust me! Worst part of the whole thing was trying to put my shoes on right after the procedure)
  • Tight underwear and/or a Jock strap
  • Pants that are easy to get on and off
  • Angry Birds and/or Tweetdeck (after they shoot localized anesthesia it takes a good 10 minutes before go time. I kept my mind off the impending operation by tweeting and shooting birds from a slingshot)

Surgery

The whole process is pretty quick. It took my doctor about 30 minutes from start to finish. Half of the time was spent in preparation and waiting for the local anesthesia to set in.

So here is the big question, does it hurt? Yes!

When they stick a needle into your nut sack… twice…  to numb it, it is going to hurt. It is the usual needle prick with the burning sensation while the medicine is getting injected.

Also, all the tugging that goes on as things are being moved around, to find the two tubes that will be cut, hurts as well. Even with your whole sack numb, if someone pulls it, it is going to send the panic signals to your stomach and brain to fight or flee.

The actual procedure in layman’s terms (or as John can remember)

The Doc makes an incision in the scrotum (or two, depending on the doc) finds the tubes, pulls them out, cuts out a section (to make them less likely to reconnect when healing) clamps each end and then cauterizes them shut. Then he repeats the process on the other side and stitches you up.

Is it traumatizing? Yes!

I am glad I only have to do it once! I don’t know about the rest of the men in the world, but I have spent my whole life, post puberty, protecting and thinking with that area of my body. To have someone slice, pull, cut out a section and then cauterize, is enough to make me lose some sleep in the future!

(There are some videos of the process on YouTube and South Park and Family guy have even done episodes about it. I recommend NOT watching them until after you have had it done!)

After the procedure is done, you get after care instructions, a cup (to bring back a semen sample and sure you are shooting blanks), and get sent hobbling like a virgin cowboy out the door.  That’s that… no one cries for your unborn children, there is no Atari sound signaling that you don’t get to restart or a committee that crosses you off of the “repopulate the planet after Armageddon” list…

Post Surgery

My doc was nice enough to prescribe some Lortabs for the pain. While not necessary, I highly recommend taking them for the first day!  In fact, I recommend going straight to the pharmacy and popping one right then, before the anesthesia wears off.

While the pain isn’t unbearable, it’s a pain that is very uncomfortable and one that sent all sorts of panic signals to my brain. Being that I am not opposed to pharmaceuticals I say: chillax, pop some Lortabs and watch some cartoons.

Here is some information about post care: (From my doctor, sources online and my two cents)

• Bed rest for 24 – 72 hours (take it easy!)
• Take acetaminophen for the pain (this is found in Tylenol and Lortabs. No other pain meds because they thin the blood)
• Ice the jewels every hour for 15 – 20 minutes (The key is to not only ice the testicles, it’s to also ice the area above and to the sides of your penis. This is where the nerves travel)
• Don’t shower for 24 hours and no baths or pools for 10 days
• Change the dressing if needed (mine never needed it, I barely bled a drop)
• Wear tight fitting underwear with dressing for padding and/or a Jock Strap for support (I highly recommend using a jock strap)
• No sex for 10 days (This is the worst part!)
• DO NOT get your spouse off of birth control until the doctor gives the green light. It could take up to 12 weeks and/or 20 orgasms for your soldiers to clear out of the plumbing! (This is why the doc gives you a cup to bring back a sample)
• Refrain from heavy lifting and physical activity for 10 days. Rigorous exercise (specifically bicycling) should be avoided for 2 to 4 weeks

(I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. Check with your physician. From my research each one gives some different suggestions but in general they are about the same)

In short

Do I think this was a good idea? Yes!
Was it worth it? Yes!
Would I recommend it? Yes!

It sucks, it hurts, and the fact that you aren’t supposed to have sex for 10 days (some doctors say 5 days depending on how you feel) is enough to drive any man crazy. But I would gladly trade that for never having to worry about “OOPS!” and for putting the prevention responsibility on my shoulders instead of messing with my wife’s chemistry… come on, the ladies all ready have to deal with PMS. Let’s not make it harder by putting them on birth control!

I am just glad I never have to do it again!

 

P.S. I am on day 6 since the surgery. I still walk like I am saddle sore and ice the jewels at night for 10 – 20 minutes.  I have found that wearing briefs with a jock strap over them is the most comfortable for getting around.

I have to sleep with a big pillow between my legs to avoid squeezing them at night and walking a lot and/or lots of physical activity starts to make them throb.

Most of the time I forget about them, until I try and cross my legs, over exert or feel the urge to club a baby seal due to sexual frustration… 

I am spending 5 days camping at Fish Lake starting Friday. Pray for me and check back to see how they made it through the trip and when they get back to normal.